Brother, Where Art Thou?

October 27, 1993: 6.15 a.m... The phone rang... I had woken up 15 minutes earlier to get my two girls ready for school.. I answered the phone.. Raymond was on the line.. he spoke with a heavy heart.. ( in Cantonese) "Sis, elder brother Jeff.. bang car.. in Batam.." I asked "How is he?"
"He's dead." HUH?? WHAT?? "Are you sure?" "Ya... Three others are injured, one very serious.. The driver, a woman, is also dead" pause... " Can you call up Jean and Ah Pek and also tell Mary?..." "Uh.. Ok.." I put down the phone.. The girls asked what happened.. I told them " Your Uncle Jeff is dead.." No expression.. No tears.. They ask what they should do.. I told them to go to school.. they have exams.. and after school they were to go to PoPo's house..

I sat on the bed.. alone.. for I don't know how long.. I picked up the phone.. dialled Jean's number.. she answered the phone... she wondered why I called so early.. told her the bad news.. "Are you sure?"... I can hear her screaming and crying to her husband. . "Jeff is dead!".... Her husband Peter took the phone and questioned me "How? Where?..". I told him: " I don't have the full details, but can you bring Jean to mother's house later?.. we got to be there when we tell her.." "Ok." Then I searched for the address book.. called Ah Pek"s house (father's older brother).. a cousin answered the phone.. don't remember which cousin.. told them the bad news.. the reply is the same "Are you sure?".. This is the worst assignment ever..

Peter called back and said he'll pick me up on the way to mother's house.. I called my youngest brother Dennis.. He answered the phone and told me he already got the news from a cousin...
[When Jeff had the accident, his business partner only knew this cousin's phone number, other than my parents' number.. He knew my mother had a heart condition and so didn't call her, but instead called this cousin who then informed my younger brothers.]
It was worst for Dennis... He was still single then and stayed with my parents and when he got the news he had to keep it from them until all of us were there. He stayed in his room and cried..

Raymond arrived first at mother's house and laid down on the long bench and feign weariness while in actual fact he didn't want to face mother... Then I arrived, with Jean following.. Mother immediately knew that something was wrong.. we don't all go there so early in the morning.. "What happened?.. Is it Jeff? He's not here. SOMETHING HAPPENED TO JEFF!!" We told her.. She collapsed onto the long bench.. " I knew it! I always told him not to drive so fast.." Ironically, Jeff wasn't the one driving... If he was, he'll probably still be alive.. Father was very quiet.. He sat outside the house..smoking his pipe.. he got tears in his eyes...

The neighbours heard the cries and came over to enquire and they were all shocked... One very close friend, Kong Ma, collapsed at the door when she heard the news.. It just so happened that mother had asked her sisters to come over that day for a karaoke session.. When Aunties Adeline and Violet arrived they were happy to see all of us there but when they heard the news, Auntie Violet was hysterical...(had to call her husband to come over to console her). Then I called Mary (Jeff's ex-wife)... Again the same reply... "Not true... not true.." pause... "How am I going to tell Criszean...How am I going to tell him his father is dead?..." After the phone-call, I just sat there while all the hysterics were going on... wiping away tears... this can't be happening...

The funeral wake was held at the void deck of the condominium... I don't quite remember who made the arrangements... All I remembered was that I sat at a table recalling the times I spent with Jeff, especially the younger days... catching the earthworm and swinging on the guava tree.. and then I was thinking ... How could he just die? He was only a year older than me! He was only 43 years old!! How could he die?? I was more angry than sad... Then it happened... The body arrived and there were monks chanting AND... his widow Lynn, who didn't want to be seen until then, came down from her loft and started chanting.. (it sounded like) "OH, MONEY TAKE ME HOME"

I looked at her.. she was chanting and carressing my brother's hands and face and saying that that's karma and blah blah blah, and I was furious... BUT, I have to hold it in I shouldn't create a scene... I started crying and I cried till I couldn't breathe... The back of my neck started to hurt... I tried to relief the pressure by doing mundane things and having a bit of fun... It seemed odd to some people but we did joked about a bit and then there were eerie happenings.. like when it was time for dinner.. and we have not served food to the deceased, a strong wind would blow and the wreaths would fall over... Once, when this happened.. I said out loud.."Jeff, wait lah, they are getting your dinner." Then the winds died down, but it started blowing again when the food still haven't arrived, and then again died down when food was served... Eerie... And then there was another incident... Some of the cousins were playing mahjong and one cousin who was losing suddenly spoke out loud " Hey Jeff, help lah! losing lah!" After that, he started winning... All the others don't want to play with him after that.. Eerie..

On the funeral day, I don't quite remember everything except that because my knees hurt, I can't quite follow all the funeral rites.. Standing, Kneeling, Standing, Kneeling... No way.. Jeff should understand... When his coffin was being carried into the cremating- kiln, the door fell onto it and jammed... This was a sign.. that his death was not a good one... then they had to use the kiln that a revered (correct word?) abbot was cremated in... The monks said that Jeff was a good person... that's why what happened happened...(the door jammimg and changing kiln)

After that we mingled for a while and then I went up the bus that would bring us back to the condo.... Raymond came up the bus and with a pained expression asked why was I leaving.. "Don't you want to collect his bones (ashes)?" I told him I've got this pain in my neck.. It's very painful... He walked away dissappointed... Maybe one day he will understand.... The pain at the back of my neck was excruciating... I couldn't turn my head or even look down.. I was afraid that a nerve or blood vessel would burst and then things would be doubly worst for everybody... I had to remain calm and try to de-stress... which I manage to do when I went back to the void deck and started clearing away stuff and talked to those who were there... THEN... Lynn came down from her loft and asked about the finance... she only asked how much donations were collected... she didn't ask about the expenses...
OH, MONEY TAKE ME HOME...