What's Mine, Is Mine

I was born in1952, went to primary school in 1959, and to secondary school in 1965. Then I went to Singapore Polytechnic in 1969 and graduated in 1973 (repeated one year because I slept through some classes). I couldn't get a job until June 1974 when I joined the RSAF as an instructor, with a 3-year contract. After the military stint which ended in June 1977, I bummed around and visited Perth from April 1978 to Sept 1978.. Came back to Singapore and got a job with United Engineers which was then located at River Valley Road/Clemenceau Ave junction, where now sits UE2.
My brother-in-law knew the engineer there and convinced him to take me on although they never had a female assistant engineer before. It didn't work out well because a lot of male workers there apparently never seen a female in their field and everywhere I go, I disrupt work. These men would stop whatever they were doing and stared and even once when I was in the radio room, they found all kinds of excuse to go in to look.. My work involved the installation, service and repair of radio equipments much like the HAM radios but much bigger and more powerful. It was at UE that I met my husband to be - I was the asst. engineer and he was the technician. At first we were just colleagues but when I left, we started dating and soon enough we got married after an extremely short time.. I joined UE in Aug 1979, left mid-Oct 1979, and we were married in Feb 1980.
He proposed the same way that most people do then - "let's go apply for HDB flat". Then I worked at the Singapore Experience for a while and soon found myself pregnant. My mother insisted that we go through the traditional wedding although we were already legally married. Becauses of this traditional wedding which put us into debt and because HDB flats suddenly became expensive (a 4-room unit which was about $18,000 then, went up to $45,000 - much too much for us), we decided to make do with the 3-room unit that hubby co-owned with his father.
Hubby lost his job with UE and got a low-paying job at Singapore Slipway and I found myself pregnant again. We struggled for nearly 3 years and he was laid off when the economy went bad. For the next 6 months, he was jobless and I was contemplating joining the work force again.. We had to borrow from my father and my brother... Fortunately hubby found a job at a hotel and things got better.. I didn't go back to work... Hubby had said to me: "You stay home and look after the house and the kids, I will work, even get two jobs if I have to." or something to that effect.

He did get two jobs - while working for the hotel as a technician, he also had a part-time job doing maintenance for a group of condo units. For a while it was okay but one day the company paid with a bad cheque and that was the last we heard of them.. By this time, he was paid more at his hotel job and he went from technician to supervisor and then to assistant chief engineer.. The money situation improved and we cleared our debts... All this time I handled the finances and kept house and brought up the girls.. I spend money wisely and do splurge once in a while but always within limits.
After 10 years with the hotel, hubby changed jobs and now works for a very large (in terms of money) property developer/group and he travels a lot, all over the world to check on the various buildings. This year hubby turned 55 years old and got part of his CPF - it wasn't millions but the amount is substantial that we didn't have to worry about our daughter WAR's university fees and living expenses but that doesn't mean we could foolishly splurge.. At the moment, we have applied to have CMW be the co-owner of my father's HDB flat, in case he should pass on, then at least we still get the house.. We need to pay up the full mortgage on the house if CMW is unemployed at the time of transfer. We need $50,000 for this..
A few months ago, CMW was about to leave for her holiday in Bali and she asked me for some cash. I told her I only got $150 in my purse and managed to borrow another $100 from my broither who was lunching with us then. Hubby took out some cash from his pocket and I told him he need not give her that. He replied : "It's my money, I worked, you didn't."

I thought we had an agreement all those years ago - I stay home to look after the kids and he go work to earn the money. What's this?? "What's mine, is mine"???

My job as a housekeeper (yah, lately that job hasn't been well done), a cook (nowadays we eat out more often because I hate when there are leftovers), a baby-sitter/nanny (when my kids were young), a tutor (my kids were taught more than what the schools could), a laundry-service and goodness know what else, entitles me to whatever he earned. He should thank the stars that I don't go for branded goods and such.. that I prefer home-made clothes (because they fit better and are more comfortable) and I also instilled in my kids that they don't need expensive things... Of course there's also value for money.. Sometimes you have to pay a lot for stuff that are good and lasting like well-fitting underwear..

But when it comes to things like a T-shirt, why pay $50 for one shirt when you can get 10 for $5 each? I do have some rather expensive cookware though.. One set cost $600 (bought when hubby's pay was $600 a month) and another set cost $2000 (this one came with a free refridgerator and washing machine, which cost about $1400).. This was a deal I could not resist.. Anyway, the first set was bought in 1981 and still cook well and the other set is now 8 years old.. Value for money...

Okay, I think I got carried away.. the point of all this is why did hubby suddenly talk like that about money?? Influence from the "boy-friend"?? I heard he complained when I asked him to tranfer $50,000 into my account the other day.. this is so that when we go to do the ownership transfer at the HDB on my father's house, and if hubby is not in Singapore, I would not have any problem.. He thinks I want the money for myself... Ha!

MONEY MONEY MONEY..

Infidelity

Rated PG : My 2 girls were conceived the natural way and they came into the world the natural way. They were not found in the drain or the dustbin.
Again, the Oprah show had me thinking about my relationship with my husband. On this particular episode, there was this guy who had cheated on his wife for 15 years and he finally admitted his infidelity. Still his wife stayed with him (which upset one younger woman in the audience who questioned her decision) and Oprah said that it was her choice given her other options which was to leave him and live the rest of her life without a soul-mate or find herself another man who might do the same. And since he admitted to the affair, he probably got tired of it anyway. Then there's another couple where the woman blamed herself for her husband straying, saying she neglected him over her career and her baby. But she doesn't care if he continued to have physical relationships outside of their marriage but not the emotional kind.
This brought to mind my relationship with my husband. If you have read the past few installments you might have gathered that I don't sleep in the same house as my husband these days. So you might ask what about the physical part. Well, I can only say that our bodies had been "conditioned". We got married in1980 and you know what they say ... that when you are a certain age you do it twice a day, then as you grow older it's once a day, then once every other day.. etc, etc.. In 1991 (after 10 years of marriage), we had gone through all those stages and were sort of at the once a week phase, when hubby was assigned overseas for one month, come back for a week and go again. That was tense but after a few months we were "conditioned". After about 3 years he was back in Singapore but we became a once a month couple.
Then hubby changed jobs and this time he was assigned overseas for 3 months at a time and we were "conditioned" yet again. After 6 years of that he came back but it doesn't even matter if we don't hold hands anymore. I don't know if he was ever unfaithful to me when he was overseas but it doesn't matter if he was.. He's there, miles away, if he needed relief then there shouldn't be any blame but if it was of the emotional kind, then that's another matter altogether.
Lately, hubby has found himself a "boy-friend" who he could talk to and I think they are not just talking about the weather and sports. This "boy-friend" is a twice divorce guy with 2 kids and he see my husband more than I do .Just the other day, hubby returned from an overseas trip. On the way home, he called me to ask if I can join him for lunch at the neighbourhood coffee-shop. He called me only because he know that the "boy-friend" is not available on Saturday. So I met hubby at 1p.m. for lunch, stayed till about 2.30p.m. (trapped by a heavy downpour) and then when the rain stopped, I went to tar-pow lunch for CMW. While waiting, hubby called the "b-f" and despite my telling him that I want to eat char kway teow later, he still made dinner plans. Hubby likes the char kway teow at Margaret Drive, but he prefer dinner with "b-f" although he did say that he ate the Penang version while overseas. Still...
At about 3p.m., hubby received a call from "b-f" and was leaving the house when I made a joking remark : "Wah, see me for less than 2 hours, now going to meet boy-friend, 3o'clock till dinner time!" He replied: "Jealous ah?"
JEALOUS?? Not me. If I was jealous, I wouldn't look the way I do. I would look like Cindy Crawford or Elle McPherson or maybe even Oprah. She was heavier than I ever was and now she looked great. I'm not jealous - just a bit upset and concerned.. that my husband prefer to spend time with a guy and I wondered what they talk about.. I've sensed some changes in hubby's attitute towards women and children.. he's been passing quite a few degrading remarks about women and refers to all women as bitches, forgetting that he has two daughters and a wife.. This is probably influence from the "b-f".. I could gripe and complain and it's getting worse.. now he has become obnoxious - an opinion I shared with CMW.. This could be grounds for divorce...irreconciliable differences.. But we are not headed that way.. I just couldn't be bothered..

Trash and Treasure

After years of hearing about The Oprah Show, we at last got to see it.. I knew it had been aired on cable tv but I don't have cable tv and I don't want cable tv.. There isn't enough hours in the day for me to sit down and just watch tv.. So The Oprah Show began airing on local tv early this year and the first episode was the start of their 20th season/year where they had a new re-vamped studio and the first guest was Jennifer Aniston.. this episode was dated 2005 at the end credits and we are now watching episodes dated 2004 .. ???.. But never mind about that.. The Oprah Show is interesting and enlightening even if it don't run in order.. and I learned a lot from watching some of the episodes.. I learned that I probably suffer from the disorder known as "HOARDING".. As mentioned before in previous blogs, I have a lot of clutter... Now I can blame it on this disorder.. Like the woman featured in the show, I am reluctant to throw away things that I think might come in use some day... although that 'some day' probably never come.. Sometimes when I do throw away stuff, somehow or other I find that I needed that particular thing the very next day.. For example, I may throw away a box that had been lying on the shelf for the longest time, years maybe, and the very next day someone will ask if I have a box that can be used to, say, put a present in and I think - the box on the shelf.. BUT I threw that away!!
So after a few incidents like that, I started not throwing things away and then the clutter begun to pile up.. I've got a lot of stuff that are momentos of my girls' childhood but I think they are probably in a horrible state... I couldn't see what their conditions are because these things are stored in boxes which are at the bottom of the pile...
Two or three years ago I was at the library when I came across this book about clutter and how to get rid of it, and following the advice, I managed to throw away some things, but only about 10% of what should be gotten rid of... I was still hanging on to things.. like socks that had lost their pardners... Why don't I ever throw them away?? Maybe one day I will pair them up?? So far it didn't happen.. Now after watching the Oprah show, I find that I may be sick in the head..
In one of the shows, where the ugliest room in America was featured, the room was re-vamped but someone wanted the 'ugly' furniture and Oprah quoted the phrase : "one man's trash is another man's treasure"... So true... A lot of people also think that my stuff is trash... So on to another story...
About three weeks ago, somebody living in the same block of flats as my father, moved away and they threw out a lot of things... At first I was eyeing a small table to put by my bed.. I saw the table when I was on my way out, to have dinner... So on the way back with CMW, I told her of the table and my wanting to take it back but when I took a closer look, it was a bit worned so I decided not to take it... besides that, there were other people around and they were rummaging through the "junk"... I took a peek at what was thrown out and saw books - cookbooks and books on patchwork and crochet and knitting!! How could people throw away books!! Especially when my favourite pastime is crocheting and making patchwork blankets and my daughter's favourite thing is cooking... We gathered as much of the books as we can carry and there was also a box of cloth patches, all cut up into 5 inch squares... My younger daughter will probably scream when she read this... more "junk" but they are MY treasures... I have no regrets being a "garang-guni" that night... We were cleaning the books, (they were quite dusty), and talking when I mentioned that there were also books on Shakespeare's plays, the text-book type, and CMW said we should go get that also, but we were too late... somebody else got those books but our second trip down to the "junkpile" was also fruitful... we got a bag of crochet wool still in the TAH CHUNG EMPORIUM plastic bag!! CMW wanted to keep the bag but I think there's a limit to what we are doing... And when I told my brother of our exploits, he got more crochet books that were discarded by people staying in the housing apartments where he work and gave them to me... I'm so happy with these new books... Can't understand why people would throw away books... if they are no longer useful, books should be given to the library or a community centre... some other people may want them... So when I should die and nobody want my books, somebody please give them to the libray..
I have also been clearing away the clutter in our house... As mentioned before, I was bringing stuff over to my father's house... mostly magazines and bills and letters... I have sent those that I don't want to keep, to the re-cycling centre... Luckily Singapore had become more environmentally aware and there is more re-cycling... It makes it easier for me to get rid of unwanted things, sending them for re-cycling and not to landfills... I didn't want to throw away stuff because I think they might come in use one day, but if they are re-cycled then they have another use... I don't know if people understand what I'm getting at, but just blame it on the "hoarding" mentality...
It's a slow process and there's a long way to go but one day I will get there... I sound like a tired old record but then again I am tired and old and the weather isn't helping... Got a sinus problem and a headache coming on... Need to listen to music... YOU KEEP ME HANGING ON...

Foreign Invasion

Even before WAR returned from Perth, she had informed me that Tim, an exchange-student from the USA will be visiting... Tim was to arrive on New Years Day, spend a few days in Singapore, then both of them would go to KL, Bangkok and Phuket, spending a few days at each destination ...and come back to Singapore before he fly back to Perth and then forward to New Zealand and back to the USA....because Tim don't get to travel after he goes back to the USA for his studies. So when she got back home before Christmas, besides buying presents, WAR had to book tickets for KL and Bangkok and Phuket as well as arrange for accomodations.. It was quite a hectic time for her..
So New Year's Day came and WAR went to the airport to greet Tim and for the next days she showed him the sights of Singapore and then they're both off to KL... Meanwhile I had an invitation to my cousin's daughter's wedding on Saturday 14th January...my neice and her 3 kids also flew in from Canada on that day... Now at the wedding dinner, (daughter CMW attended with me), we met up with a lot of my cousins that I haven't seen for ages... some of them, like my sister, are already grandparents.... So all these relatives of course asked about the well-being of my father... I replied he's okay but has all the medical problems associated with old age...He is 83 years old...
The next day, Sunday, nothing much happened except that my father wasn't eating or drinking... I wasn't concerned then because it wasn't the first time he slept the whole day... But the next day, my sister-in-law called to say that Ah Gong didn't eat his dinner the night before and now she couldn't wake him up to take his lunch... I told her to just leave it on the table... maybe he will eat later... That evening when I brought him his dinner, I was concerned that he wasn't even drinking water... so I called for the ambulence and got him to the hospital... I told the doctor that he was not responsive and that he wasn't eating or drinking... a persan can go without food but not without water... internal organs will shut down ... the doctors gave him a glucose drip and he sort of woke up but was not aware of his surroundings so the doctors decided to ward him for observation...
So the next day, 17th January, all of us - my brothers, sister, neices, nephews, the whole jeezbang were there at Alexandra Hospital to see Ah Gong because the doctors weren't sure if he could recover... scans showed that he had another stroke and the doctors were afraid that subsequent strokes will be fatal... But we are a strong family and even under such a stressful situation we still went for dinner at the coffeeshop/restaurant opposite AH... and it was also hubby's 55th birthday... he got his CPF!!
The next few days was spent at the hospital and there were a lot of visits from relatives who also expect the worst but then... a miracle happened.... Ah Gong woke up from his semi-coma and he not only could recognise all of us, including those who grew up in Canada...but he started conversing with my neice in Mandarin... I don't even know that my father could speak the language, but he even used terms that surprised my neice... certain phrases that are used by the intellect... So all's well with Ah Gong...
Second daughter WAR returned from Phuket with Tim on the 2oth and two days later Tim flew back (homeward bound)... and then it was preparation for Chinese New Year... With Ah Gong in hospital, there won't be much visitors to the house and also it seem wrong to have the reunion dinner at home... so we opted to have the dinner at the coffeeshop/restaurant opposite AH (again) and since it was quite a last minute booking , I got one on Thursday 26th January... my birthday...ulterior motive???... Nah... just happened to be...
So Chinese New Year came and went... people from the USA came and went... people from Canada came and went... Now the British invasion... My mother-in law and her husband came for a vist from jolly olde England on February 18th... They came to visit old friends and also to renew their wedding vows... 40 years together... WAR had delayed her return to Perth just so she could spend time with her grandparents but the week went by really quickly and soon she flew back to her studies... And the three weeks with my in-laws also went by quickly and things started to settle down... But during the time my in-laws were visiting, Ah Gong was discharged from the hospital with the specific requirement that someone be with him 24-7.... So I had to move into his house and had begun to bring things over from our house to his just to make it more comfortable for me....
So when all the "foreigners" have left, I began shuffling things about... into Ah Gong's house and now, every night I'm there, and I come back for about 2 to 3 hours to do the laundry here, and also to bring stuff over so that I can do things there... Lately, I acquired 2 washing machines... lucky me...they were free ... from a laundromat that closed-shop... and now I don't have to bring dirty laundry here and there... Life has been easier and that's why I can continue to blog ... and I had resumed crocheting the cardigan for my sister... it was on hold for 2 months... and am now planning to sew clothes for another wedding invite and will be attending a Muslim wedding on 8th July... Congratulations Melissa...

Catching Up

Can't believe how the time passes...it's been months since my last post...Been busy, busy, busy. So to catch up on what's been happening, let's go back a bit... It all began somewhere in July 2005... second daughter WAR went off to Perth to study... that free her computer for use... then after a bit of cleaning up and storing stuff that she didn't bring along, I decided to start blogging - which I did with much enthusiasm...
Then sometime in late August/early September (can't really remember) older daughter CMW told me that her best friend Mandy is getting married and had invited her to attend all the ceremonies involved... and daughter needed outfits for these functions... So I thought no big deal... at the most she will need two outfits.. one for the day and one for the evening... CMW said that she needed four outfits!! What!! Why??
First outfit - for a buffet dinner/dance... I attended this event and this was held on the eve of the whole wedding ceremony... sort of an introduction of the bride to the world... We went there... after a while, Mandy came to greet us and the other guests and invited us to have dinner... After dinner there were drums banging away and a lady started walking in with a pot balanced on her head... this pot had lighted candles... then she danced around a bit and others joined her and when the pot got too hot for her she passed it to another person and the dancing went on and more people joined her... This went on and on until the candles burned out and the pot was set on a table but the dancing continued... I supposed that this was also a way of relieving stress for the womenfolk who had spent the past weeks and months preparing for the wedding... So for this night CMW needed an outfit suitable for "clubbing"..
Second day ... oiling ceremony... I didn't attend this but understood that it involved oil being poured on the head and hands and feet of the bride and she will be adorned with henna paintings ... I supposed that this is a cleansing/blessing ritual.. So for this CMW need only wear some old T-shirt and jeans..
Third day morning... temple ceremony... I attended this also and found it enlightening... I got to see a Sikh wedding and also the inside of a Sikh temple... One thing that Mandy didn't tell us was that we have to cover our heads when inside the temple and fortunately there were scarves available at the entrance and we managed to find one each that sort of matched our clothes... As it involved sitting down on the floor of the temple hall, we needed something that allowed us to do that...CMW decided on a peasant top and skirt... As for the ritual.. it's the usual... the priest(s) offered a lot of prayers and the bride and groom went round the alter a few times... I wont' go into details... after the temple rituals the bride went back home and I understand she will be "kicked out" of the house...
Third day evening.... dinner at some posh restaurant... CMW had been asked to make a speech and she decided to wear a sari for this occassion... She wore a sari at her cousin's wedding and she looked great but was told that she shouldn't wear a red sari at an Indian wedding ...so we have to go look for a blue one.. and my darling daughter suggested that I crochet the top...the choli.. Cochet!!! I needed at least 3 weeks for that!!! She replied that the wedding is in December and I got 3 months... Oh..okay..
So we planned and we went to Johor Bahru to get the crochet thread (if any one want to know where...- the shop is located in the building opposite the JB train station, where there's a lot of travel-agencies and the shop actually face the train station) and we check my stock of cloths and found two pieces of material suitable for the peasant blouse and the black pants for her clubbing outfit.. still needed to buy more.. so went to Spotlight and got very nice and expensive (@S$29.95 per metre x 2m) materials for the clubbing top and the peasant skirt (@S$19.95 per metre x 3m) and went to Serangoon Road to buy the sari... We bought two saris which isn't exactly what she wanted but she liked the colours and a few days later she went with Mandy and bought the one that she wore to the dinner... a very nice and expensive-looking one with embroidery and rhinestones... I said expensive-looking because it only cost S$70.00 and it looked like it should cost more... I supposed if a tourist was to go and buy it, the price will be much much higher...
As soon as I got the crochet thread I started crocheting even before everything else was bought and while I was hooking away, I planned the sewing and somehow I managed to get everything ready by the due date which was 3rd December... Now CMW liked to add stress to my life...she decided to go to Perth to visit her sister and both to come back before Christmas and when did she booked her flight for??... 7th December...1 a.m... which means we go to the airport on the 6th around 10pm... Now that is a very tight schedule... 3rd - the dance night, 4th - the oiling ceremony, 5th - the temple and restaurant dinner, 6th - fly off to Perth.... So there I was crocheting, sewing and packing... one thing after another...aarghh!!!
So CMW departed for Perth... rest??? not really... have to clean up the house ..(been neglecting and also have to clean because WAR is sensitive to dust) and also clean up Ah Gong house... people are coming for Christmas... so clean, clean, dust, dust and before you can blink... they are coming back!!??!!
It so happened that while CMW was in Perth, hubby went off to KL/Bangkok (?? can't remember which one) and CMW would return on Monday 21st, hubby would return on Tuesday and WAR would return on Wednesday... Thank goodness I don't drive otherwise I will have to go to the airport three days in a row... Anyhow, for a change of pace, I went to the airport on Monday... travelling on the mrt was a relaxing time for me... one hour of doing nothing... met up with CMW and the next day just let my hubby come back on his own (he's used to that) and then on Wednesday go to the airport again to meet WAR...
And then it's Christmas... and all the chaos that went with presents-buying and menu-planning and.... well most people know what it's like...
And then it's Chinese New Year... no..no.. Something happened before that...

In Memoriam (part 2)

My maternal grandmother, whom I called Popo but was Ah Tai to my children, was the best person in the world... according to my husband.. She was indeed a great person.. As far as I know, she was brought up by an aunt.. and in her days, girls were taught the basics of servitude... if the girl was fortunate, she gets married and she would serve her husband and children.. if she was less fortunate she would be a servant in a rich household and there she would attend to everyone.. My Grandma was fortunate to be married to Grandpa who could afford whatever she wanted.. But Grandma was a modest woman who was satisfied with having a roof over her head, enough to eat and decent clothes to wear..
I have only seen her in Chinese samfu, a blouse that's like a shortened cheongsam paired with black trousers. I think she ever wore a Qibao once.. not too sure of that though.. when she ironed her clothes, they were always folded in the same manner such that they were all the same size, whether it's the trousers or the blouse, and they fit exactly into the drawer..
People have claimed that their floor is clean enough to eat-off of; but Grandma's toilet floor is really that clean... Everyday she would wash the floor scrubbing it with soap, then washing it off with lots of water, then mopping it dry with a cloth... it literally sparkled.. The bathroom floor wasn't so clean.. she doesn't mop it dry because someone would use it and it'd get wet, so no point drying it out.. The kitchen floor wasn't as clean either.. she doesn't scrub this everyday, just mop.. There was always the twice a year routine of washing the whole house... during school holidays when a whole bunch of us grandchildren stayed over.. All of us had to pitch in... take out all the furniture into the garden.. scrub the floor of the whole house, kitchen included, then mop dry.. This was something we kids would do for Grandma.
Grandma endeared herself to everyone, friends of her children, neighbours, and also to my husband who simply loved her assam fish.. And so it happened one day... my daughter was sick and after a visit to the doctor, we went to my mother's house but daughter was throwing up food and medicine so we went back to the doctor again.. Just as we left, Grandma arrived at mother's house and was upset that she missed seeing her latest greatgrandchild.. That evening we got the call from Auntie Nene that Grandma collapsed in the bathroom.. they sent her to the hospital where the doctors told us she had a massive stroke and would not survive... My uncle decided to bring her home where she died a few days later..
At this time I was pregnant with my second child and since I have a young daughter to care for, I was practically left out of all the funeral proceedings.. My husband always boast of his part in keeping the candles burning, saying he talked to Grandma and asked her to let the candles burn... It seemed that when others tried to light the candles, they just keep toppling over... a sign??
As for the funeral day, everything went on okay and there was a lot of tears and wailing when the coffin went into the pyre.. I don't think there was anything out of the ordinary but there were a lot of sadness and all those who were there loved her a lot.

After Grandma's death, there were two more that followed although I'm not quite sure of the dates.. One was Uncle Boon, mother's youngest brother and the other was Uncle Charlie, Auntie Nene's husband.. Uncle Boon was a divorcee when he died in his girlfriend's house.. Having only his two young kids to do the rites, the wake was held at Singapore Casket to make things simple.. They performed the Christian (Roman Catholic) service for him and the funeral was simple.. Uncle Boon was known as Uncle Magic to my daughters and their cousins.. he does simple magic tricks whenever there was a gathering.. birthdays, Chinese New Year...
Uncle Charlie died in Perth, Australia and most of us in Singapore couldn't attend the funeral.. I knew Uncle Charlie well, having spent six months in Perth living with Auntie Nene and him.. They didn't have a child then.. I loved his cooking and I liked the way he would sneak off with the pineapple tarts I made because Auntie Nene would scold him for eating so much of it.. They later had a son.. known affectionately (to my daughters) as Uncle Bob ..
There were more deaths in the family but that will have to wait.... it's too depressing...

QUE SERA SERA.....

In Memoriam (part 1)

One of the earliest funerals I attended was for my paternal grandmother whom I called Mama.. She was of Peranakan descent and I had only seen her in sarongs with a simple cotton baju for her every-day wear. But when she needed to travel she would put on her Sunday best:- sarong starched so crisp that it crackled when she wore it; and she would not sit down after putting it on because it would crease and stick out in front (a very funny sight) . Her top would be the best kebaya with embroidery on the edges and she would fasten this with a krosang.. a set of three brooches attached together by a chain.. this is now a coverted collectible. She would also fasten her sarong with a silver belt that had an ornate buckle.. also a collectible item.
She usually stayed with Uncle Ah Pek but would spend about three months in a year with us... Every morning she would do her excercise.. Face the window, which happened to face east, raised her arms and bend forward.. looked like she's praying to the Sun-God! Then she would rotate her arms round and round.. looked like she's trying to take off!! Very Funny!!
She was my grandfather's second wife.. I don't know what happened to the first wife, all I know was that there were two daughters. Mama gave birth to 3rd Auntie, the Uncle Ah Pek, then 4th Auntie, 5th Auntie, 6th Auntie, 7th Auntie, 8th Auntie, then came Father... I guess they wanted more than one son.
Now all these children were married by the time Mama passed away (in 1978) at the ripe old age of 89 years.. Can't say that we missed her or were sad or shocked that she died.. She was old! and she had more than 50 grandchildren and quite a lot of great-grandchildren.. we lost count!
So why am I telling all this?? One of the funeral rites that was performed involved all the descendents going over a "bridge" in rank and file... oldest son Ah Pek first; second son (my) Father; oldest grandson Robert; 1st daughter-in-law; 2nd daughter-in-law; then daughters; then son-in-laws; then grandchildren; then great-grandchildren... you get the picture.. Now if all of us were to fall in line and follow the monks and go over the "bridge".. it would take forever.. there's more than a hundred... so we opted to just get representatives.. still there were more than 50 people in the line!! My cousin and I were counting!
On the day of the funeral, there was this band that played Chinese music and somehow they managed to massacre all the tunes... This wasn't the worst part of it.. The funeral was held in the void deck and it was hot because there were a lot of banners and blankets strung up and blocking whatever breeze there was.. And the older group of people (sons, daughters, son-in-laws, daughter-in-laws) had to wear extra clothing that's like burlap.. itchy and hot... BUT to top it all.. there were the gongs-and-cymbals group that came and CLANG, CLANG, CLANG, CLANG for more than 20 minutes!! Together with the reverberation... it was the longest torture.... I think that's why I'm partially deaf now! My father's face was like Justice Bao.. Black!
After that, the coffin was loaded onto the hearse and the clanging resumed so that the whole neighbourhood can come out to watch and see how grand the funeral was!!

Another "grand" funeral I attended was for the father of one of my trainees... This was in 1976 or 77... it was the first wake I attended as an adult and silly me did not know what to do... I went to the wrong end of the tent and lit joss-sticks to the dieties instead of paying my respects to the deceased.. Anyway I sat with the other trainees that were there and left about an hour later... On the day of the funeral, the other trainees had asked for permission to attend and I was ordered to go with them.. to make sure that they were not "skiving".. So there we were, a whole bunch of people in uniform and the "funeral directors" knew an opportunity when they see one... They got all of us in front of the hearse, holding on to 2 ropes that was attached to the sides of the hearse... it looked like we were pulling the vehicle... and with all the clanging, everybody came out to look and they all went WAAHH... The best part of this story is that the funeral started off at Bras Basah Road, then turn into Desker Road... All the prostitutes poked their heads out to see the young men in uniform... A few of the trainees tried to hide their faces!! Hahaha!!
BOOM! CHAKALAKA BOOM! BOOM!

Brother, Where Art Thou?

October 27, 1993: 6.15 a.m... The phone rang... I had woken up 15 minutes earlier to get my two girls ready for school.. I answered the phone.. Raymond was on the line.. he spoke with a heavy heart.. ( in Cantonese) "Sis, elder brother Jeff.. bang car.. in Batam.." I asked "How is he?"
"He's dead." HUH?? WHAT?? "Are you sure?" "Ya... Three others are injured, one very serious.. The driver, a woman, is also dead" pause... " Can you call up Jean and Ah Pek and also tell Mary?..." "Uh.. Ok.." I put down the phone.. The girls asked what happened.. I told them " Your Uncle Jeff is dead.." No expression.. No tears.. They ask what they should do.. I told them to go to school.. they have exams.. and after school they were to go to PoPo's house..

I sat on the bed.. alone.. for I don't know how long.. I picked up the phone.. dialled Jean's number.. she answered the phone... she wondered why I called so early.. told her the bad news.. "Are you sure?"... I can hear her screaming and crying to her husband. . "Jeff is dead!".... Her husband Peter took the phone and questioned me "How? Where?..". I told him: " I don't have the full details, but can you bring Jean to mother's house later?.. we got to be there when we tell her.." "Ok." Then I searched for the address book.. called Ah Pek"s house (father's older brother).. a cousin answered the phone.. don't remember which cousin.. told them the bad news.. the reply is the same "Are you sure?".. This is the worst assignment ever..

Peter called back and said he'll pick me up on the way to mother's house.. I called my youngest brother Dennis.. He answered the phone and told me he already got the news from a cousin...
[When Jeff had the accident, his business partner only knew this cousin's phone number, other than my parents' number.. He knew my mother had a heart condition and so didn't call her, but instead called this cousin who then informed my younger brothers.]
It was worst for Dennis... He was still single then and stayed with my parents and when he got the news he had to keep it from them until all of us were there. He stayed in his room and cried..

Raymond arrived first at mother's house and laid down on the long bench and feign weariness while in actual fact he didn't want to face mother... Then I arrived, with Jean following.. Mother immediately knew that something was wrong.. we don't all go there so early in the morning.. "What happened?.. Is it Jeff? He's not here. SOMETHING HAPPENED TO JEFF!!" We told her.. She collapsed onto the long bench.. " I knew it! I always told him not to drive so fast.." Ironically, Jeff wasn't the one driving... If he was, he'll probably still be alive.. Father was very quiet.. He sat outside the house..smoking his pipe.. he got tears in his eyes...

The neighbours heard the cries and came over to enquire and they were all shocked... One very close friend, Kong Ma, collapsed at the door when she heard the news.. It just so happened that mother had asked her sisters to come over that day for a karaoke session.. When Aunties Adeline and Violet arrived they were happy to see all of us there but when they heard the news, Auntie Violet was hysterical...(had to call her husband to come over to console her). Then I called Mary (Jeff's ex-wife)... Again the same reply... "Not true... not true.." pause... "How am I going to tell Criszean...How am I going to tell him his father is dead?..." After the phone-call, I just sat there while all the hysterics were going on... wiping away tears... this can't be happening...

The funeral wake was held at the void deck of the condominium... I don't quite remember who made the arrangements... All I remembered was that I sat at a table recalling the times I spent with Jeff, especially the younger days... catching the earthworm and swinging on the guava tree.. and then I was thinking ... How could he just die? He was only a year older than me! He was only 43 years old!! How could he die?? I was more angry than sad... Then it happened... The body arrived and there were monks chanting AND... his widow Lynn, who didn't want to be seen until then, came down from her loft and started chanting.. (it sounded like) "OH, MONEY TAKE ME HOME"

I looked at her.. she was chanting and carressing my brother's hands and face and saying that that's karma and blah blah blah, and I was furious... BUT, I have to hold it in I shouldn't create a scene... I started crying and I cried till I couldn't breathe... The back of my neck started to hurt... I tried to relief the pressure by doing mundane things and having a bit of fun... It seemed odd to some people but we did joked about a bit and then there were eerie happenings.. like when it was time for dinner.. and we have not served food to the deceased, a strong wind would blow and the wreaths would fall over... Once, when this happened.. I said out loud.."Jeff, wait lah, they are getting your dinner." Then the winds died down, but it started blowing again when the food still haven't arrived, and then again died down when food was served... Eerie... And then there was another incident... Some of the cousins were playing mahjong and one cousin who was losing suddenly spoke out loud " Hey Jeff, help lah! losing lah!" After that, he started winning... All the others don't want to play with him after that.. Eerie..

On the funeral day, I don't quite remember everything except that because my knees hurt, I can't quite follow all the funeral rites.. Standing, Kneeling, Standing, Kneeling... No way.. Jeff should understand... When his coffin was being carried into the cremating- kiln, the door fell onto it and jammed... This was a sign.. that his death was not a good one... then they had to use the kiln that a revered (correct word?) abbot was cremated in... The monks said that Jeff was a good person... that's why what happened happened...(the door jammimg and changing kiln)

After that we mingled for a while and then I went up the bus that would bring us back to the condo.... Raymond came up the bus and with a pained expression asked why was I leaving.. "Don't you want to collect his bones (ashes)?" I told him I've got this pain in my neck.. It's very painful... He walked away dissappointed... Maybe one day he will understand.... The pain at the back of my neck was excruciating... I couldn't turn my head or even look down.. I was afraid that a nerve or blood vessel would burst and then things would be doubly worst for everybody... I had to remain calm and try to de-stress... which I manage to do when I went back to the void deck and started clearing away stuff and talked to those who were there... THEN... Lynn came down from her loft and asked about the finance... she only asked how much donations were collected... she didn't ask about the expenses...
OH, MONEY TAKE ME HOME...

Utter Clutter

There were two more additions to the family after we moved into the two-storey terrace house in Margaret Drive.. Raymond came along when I was seven, still in primary one and then Dennis came along when I was nine.. Mother was too busy with the baby and I had to wash my own school shoes and that of my older siblings... They bullied me into washing their shoes as well. Then, when there were two young ones, I had to iron my own school uniform.. Mother had a washer-woman come in every day to do the laundry (no washing machine then), except Sunday.. So if there were too much clothes on Sunday, mother would wash them rather than let the washer-woman complain when she come in the next day.. I had to help sometimes, to wring out the clothes.. Later I had to do the laundry all on my own at the age of 12 or 13 years.. I had rhuematism because of this and I could tell when it's going to rain.. (My husband used me as a barometer whenever he wanted to go fishing.. I was very accurate too!)

I was also asked to go marketing for fresh food (after following mother a few times) and had to clean the house.. I've got no complains about all this as I would like to think it made me a better person and I liked cleaning.. especially when it's all done and you sit back and relax over a cup of tea/coffee.. I used to do spring cleaning at least twice a year, taking everything out and moving the furniture about, and all the other people in the house would keep away and this would be 'down-time' for me.. Time to reflect on whatever's been happening, or sometimes when I was angry, this would be cooling-off time.. And at the end of it all, I would be happy and although the cause of my anger or unhappiness or whatever may not be forgotten, they were put aside like it never happened.

Besides spring cleaning, I like to sew and crochet.. And this is another way for me to 'chill-out' .. But I don't do this when I'm angry.. Actually I don't do anything when I'm angry... Nothing gets achieved... So I sew when I'm happy, I crochet when I'm happy! I clean when I'm happy! I can hear somebody out there say "BULLSHIT!".. Haha..

So, you may imagine that I would now be sitting in a cozy little corner of my 3-room HDB apartment, crocheting away, with a nice cup of tea somewhere.. NOT!! My apartment is full of clutter! I haven't done any major cleaning for the past four years ! Why?? Let me tell you the whole story... From the beginning.. about ten years ago...

I'd been living in this 3-room apartment since I got married in 1980.. At first we had the bare neccessities and when financially we improved, I thought that we should renovate the apartment.. change the windows from wooden louvres to sliding windows so that we could install air-conditioning; get built-in kitchen cabinets to put up all the lovely glass-ware I have; get wall cabinets so that all our things will be hidden and everthing will look nice and neat... So I saved and saved and then the opportunity came.. In 1995 my youngest brother Dennis, who is married by this time, and with his first child, bought a unit in the next block.. Great! I could stay in his unit first, while my apartment is being renovated (very messy and inconvenient to be living in a place being done-up)... But the contractor, who was my husband's friend, told us not to waste our effort and money because the HDB block we're staying in, was slated for re-development and we would be required to move somewhere else..in 2 to 3 years time...

Well! Hmm... 2 to 3 years ! I can wait and that means we can get a bigger apartment and I don't have to worry about the money... HDB will compensate us about $100,000.00 for this old apartment and we can use our CPF to buy the new one! So I went on a holiday with my two girls, to Perth (in 1997), and spent half of what I saved for the renovations. Then we waited for news about the en-bloc.. Nothing.. And we waited and waited, not daring to renovate, not buying new furniture because it won't go with another apartment.. and meantime, because we were expecting to get a bigger apartment, and the girls would be getting their own rooms, they bought a lot of things they wanted for their rooms.. "Mudder, I want this for my room.. it's on offer now.. next time may not have it.." So there is a mini water-fountain somewhere and a few other memorablia in boxes on the shelf...

Things weren't so bad at first.. My husband got a job where he was posted over-seas (Vietnam) and he comes back every 3 to 4 months and he brings back souveniers from his week-end trips to the outskirts of Hanoi.. There were celedon vases, wooden carvings, aromatheraphy burners (which I liked) and other knick-knacks.. These were still okay as I would display the items for a while and then put them away... Then in February 2001, he sent a fax: "Dear, I'm coming home for good..HQ wants me back." One week later he's home with his luggage and a couple of boxes containing fruits and gifts.. Not too bad I thought.. "Dear, all the other stuff will be arrive later" HUH?? What other stuff?? A few weeks later 11 (ELEVEN!) boxes arrived and I'm not talking about shoe-boxes!! They were big!! They took up half of the living room.. I gave up.. He told me he gave the TV to somebody (thank goodness).. Why did he not give away the oven as well?? and all the cook-wares?? There were more clothing and books and souveniers and paintings and carvings.. I surrender.. I can't find a place to keep all these!! Eventually I managed to put away some of the things but there's still 4 boxes in plain view and then I bought shelving to house things that my girls bought and yet there are stuff piled on the floor, and stuff piled on the table, and stuff on top of other stuff and clutter everywhere...

People who come by and see all the stuff always suggest that I throw them away... Now if I wanted to throw things away why would I buy them in the first place? Everything was bought because it was wanted/needed.. One day I may de-clutter, but not today... Today I want to sit back and relax and have a cup of tea...
EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL....